I hate that feeling of crying yourself to sleep. Rocking yourself back and forth. Cradiling yourself in your own arms- because you feel so alone. Because you feel like the world is against you. The one that matters most is against you.

Then I scream at myself- GET OVER IT! A few slaps in the face...
But I can't... I don't know which side of me is right. I don't know.

I CAN'T keep making myself feel this way. I HAVE to get better. I NEED to stand up for myself and not let myself think horrible things about me. It's just so HARD...

I've been.... better, sorta.

I'm on a new med, so I'm off depakote and on something that starts with an L- its still for bipolar, but the doctor at the hospital said that it would help more with the depression, which is good cause that is more frequent than the manic.

I know no one reads this so I dont have a problem posting it up. Last night *he* and I were talking and he was saying how he wanted to be able to see other people and not be exclusive. Of course, because I love him too much to break up with him I said yes- but it broke my heart. He said he loved me but then why would he do that? Then he came in today to school and said he had changed his mind and was stupid for thinking that. I forgave him but I still feel bad... not as bad but like... I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. On the one hand I know its a lot to ask to be so exclusive when we're still in high school but if you love someone shouldn't you be able to make that sacrafice? I don't really want to dwell on it- I just that to be over, out of his system you know? I just want to be his only, to be able to trust him not to hurt me. I mean... if he loves me, why would he need to make sure that I'm the one he wants? I don't, and I know its not fair to compare people but still.

I can't think about this anymore. I'm upsetting myself too much.

What happened?

I was forgotten and abandoned. Then I was rejected.

I fucked up.

After, all I wanted was to be held and loved.

Instead the phone just rang and rang. I don't deserve it anyway. 

Why me? Please forgive me. Take me back. Love me.

I can't stop crying.

Man... it had been a while.

I've gained a lot of weight back. Prolly somewhere around 120-125. I'm not really HAPPY with it but its better than being at the hospital for being underweight.

I cut today. First time since June, I think. It was all just too much. What a mistake. But it had been building up inside me for a long time. As sick as it is- I feel relieved now. At least the pressure is off. I had forgotten the feeling. I got really like... lightheaded and kind of dizzy and everything just kind of melted. The tingle across my scalp. It all came flooding back.

He was so good about it. Hugged me, told me it was OK. Even though it's not, I know I messed up. But he didnt yell or get angry. Just held me. Thats what I needed. That's what I needed from him.

And I'm on meds now. For bipolar. But they dont feel like they're helping much. I go to the hospital every so often to see a doctor for my meds and to get blood taken, and I'm still in therapy once a week- which I also feel is bullshit cause my therapist doesn't know what shes talking about.

So I guess I just have to take it from here, and see how it goes. It's weird to be back here.